Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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