feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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