I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize