Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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