My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
