My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
