she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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