I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
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