So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
We need to rekindle our bromance
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize