I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
