if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
