I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
