this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
