the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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