There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize