i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize