Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Randomize