Having a random hookup so left but love u
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
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