you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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