We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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