I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
