five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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