I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Randomize
