Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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