All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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