Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
