god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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