I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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