quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
