I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
