yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
we're blogging at a bar
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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