i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
