wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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