Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
