She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
