She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
