why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
