girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
