I wannas sexs uuuuu
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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