Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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