God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize