I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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