He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize