i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
