you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize