I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
me + whiskey = a bad person
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
