ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
