we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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