Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
