Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Someone signed my nipple.
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