Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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