I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
