guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Randomize
