I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
