you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
