I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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