im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
