You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
