1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Randomize
