as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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