Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
