look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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